When Fire Threatens, Make Rain
From Conflict to Connection:
When people shift from fighting to connecting, certain patterns often emerge. One powerful moment is when someone hears the pain of another and experiences an internal shift—connecting more with care than with the fear, hurt, or anger driving the conflict. Sometimes people connect with their own pain and discover their power to move through it. The ability to manage pain increases the ability to connect to a sense of safety and goodwill.
Productive communication, combined with time to process emotions, helps reduce conflict, making collaboration feel more natural. When we fight less, we often feel better about one another, making it easier to work together. If you’re navigating conflict, these communication steps can guide you toward peace:
Step 1: Stop and Step Back
When you notice signs of escalation—raising your voice, shutting down, or stonewalling—pause. Acknowledge the need for a break and take time to be with yourself.
It’s helpful to establish this expectation in advance: agree that either person can request a break, and commit to returning after a set amount of time. During this pause, both individuals can work on self-regulation before resuming the conversation. You’re each making a choice. When fire threatens to burn the house down, step back to make rain.
Step 2: Cool Your Anger
To cool anger, start by acknowledging it. Name it. Explore the underlying wound. As Natalie Stanish, LMFT at Introspective Family Therapy recently stated, “Salt doesn’t sting healed wounds.” Ask yourself, what wound does this salt sting?
Some ways to work with anger:
Physically: Release it through movement, like exercising or pounding a pillow. Scream, tantrum, run. Connect with your body. Get out of your head. Get tired.
Mindfully: Sit with it. Focus your mind—not on the story of how you’ve been wronged, but on the physical sensation of your steady, cooling, deep breath. Be in your body. Don’t fight the story; see the story for what it is. You might choose guided meditation or other self-regulating tools.
Let your mind and body recalibrate before re-engaging.
Step 3: Water the Flower
The first step to discussing your hurt is “watering the other person’s flower.” This means beginning with genuine appreciation. Reflect on what you like about them and why you value your relationship. Why does this person matter so much to you that you want to keep talking to them? You can start small, but keep looking until you hit a genuine chord. The great thing about watering flowers is that it waters the soil all around. Watering another person’s flower will water your flower too.
Step 4: Express Regret
Once you’ve shared your genuine appreciation, ask if you’ve hurt the other person and invite them to share how. Listen to understand, without defensiveness. Their words reflect their experience, not your identity. Think of this moment as an opportunity to apply a salve to a wound that your salt may have stung.
Step 5: Share Your Hurt or Anger
Only share your feelings after your anger has cooled. If you direct anger at another person, they’re likely to react defensively.
Instead, when calm, ask the other person if they are willing to help you understand why they acted as they did. Listen deeply. You may discover gaps in your initial story—false assumptions or missing details—that shift your perspective. Understanding more of the story can bring great relief.
This is where conflict can transform into connection. You might uncover new facets of the other person or feel safe sharing parts of yourself that have been hidden behind fear or blame.
Step 6: Check In Regularly
Don’t wait for conflict to arise—adopt a practice of checking in. Ask, “Have I hurt or bothered you with any unskillful behavior lately?” Creating space for regular, honest conversations can mitigate misunderstandings before they escalate.
You can deepen these practices through the steps outlined in Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication by Sister Chan Khong, both quoted above and a resource that has inspired much of this article.