The Turtle and the Hailstorm: A common conflict story

This relationship analogy describes one partner who tends to maximize feelings, connection, communication (the hailstorm) while the other (the minimizer or turtle) withdraws, wanting more solitude and distance. This dynamic both creates an opportunity to learn from the other, but also tends generate conflict, fear, hurt, and anger.

If the Hailstorm senses the turtle withdrawing, the Hailstorm tries to draw out the turtle the only way the Hailstorm knows - by communicating more, getting bigger, pursuing. The Turtle, in turn, withdraws more intensely. As each side digs in deeper, the estrangement between the two grows.

The way out calls to mind Aesop's story of the North Wind and the Sun. In this fable, the sun and wind compete to make a man take off his cloak - the more the wind tries to blow the cloak away, the tighter the man clings to it. Then the sun takes her turn, shining down brightly until the heat prompts the man to remove his cloak of his own accord, for his own comfort.

Change happens for the Turtle and the Hailstorm in a similar way. Pressuring the other to change fails. The dynamic can shift, however, when each person takes responsibilty for and learns to manage their own responses.

The more Hailstorms control their big reactions, the safer the Turtles around them feel to come out and connect. The more the Hailstorm’s connection needs are met, the safer they feel and the less they want to storm.

Your partner might be part of the problem - and your reactions are the part you can control. Hailstorms can learn to storm less by noticing when they feel activated, recognizing they have control over their response, and taking the time to self-regulate before re-engaging. That process will do less damage and help you get more of what you want.

For Turtles the more they bravely try to understand and express themselves, the more opportunities they will create to feel connected, seen, and heard. This will create more confidence and connection, with self and others.

Regardless of your style of stress reaction, it can be hard to see the power we have to solve our issues with other people - especially in the middle of conflict. You will find that power by turning back to yourself and exploring: what do you need? What are the options you see for meeting that need? Can you imagine any more?

(The Turtle and the Hailstorm was originally coined and described by Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix, in their excellent, pragmatic book: "Getting the Love You Want")

Learn more about this dynamic in this video:" where my co-parent talks about the way mediation changed his experience of this communication pattern.