Practice the Pause: Transforming Conflict Into Connection

You see that email or hear that chime on your phone, and your heart rate spikes. Before you know it, you’re rapidly typing back, trying to keep up with your racing thoughts. Sound familiar?

Yesterday, I came across a post from a woman who had screenshotted her “perfectly worded text” to her parents for others to copy and paste. It was several pages long. As I scanned it, I remembered my own streams of texts to my co-parent and those long, frantic emails to my attorney. Thankfully, my attorney offered me powerful advice: “Practice the Pause.”

True emergencies are obvious: the house is on fire, someone is bleeding, a pipe has burst. When there isn’t an actual emergent situation, but you feel like there is — like you must respond or act immediately — that’s your signal. It’s time to Practice the Pause.

This simple practice helps you:

• Reduce the destruction in communication and decisions.

• Reconnect with your power by breaking the cycle of reactivity.

• Reveal a simple way forward that fosters peace instead of escalation.

I’m grateful that I worked with a collaborative attorney during my divorce. She helped me de-escalate rather than bankrupt my family by trying to “win” every argument.

When I stopped pouring my energy into the battles, we ended the war. Now, my daughter gets to enjoy the holidays with both of her parents, and when I see texts from my co-parent, I feel excited for updates — not anxious about my reactions.

What helps you “Practice the Pause” in your own life?